finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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