does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Randomize
