i need an iv and a liver transplant
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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