my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
