I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
