great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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