Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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