just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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