i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
