dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
