yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
