why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
