I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
