wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
