Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
