girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
