You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
