Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
