in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You don't make any sense
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