Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
