Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
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Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
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Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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