Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
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she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
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Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize