he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
