if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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