You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
