I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
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He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
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He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize