Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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