I think I just saw someone hide a body.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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