Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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