I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
