She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
