Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
