i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
