Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
