There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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