I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
