I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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