I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
