So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
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Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
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Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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