Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
