God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
