who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
