I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
