My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
