i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
