tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
