my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
