I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
