I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
