how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
