I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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