Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
