Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
