I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
