I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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