we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
